On answering the question, what do you do?
First, let me tell you that if you want to figure some things out in your life, get away from your life. Just for a few hours, or a few days, if possible. It was on a solo "walkabout" last year that, sitting on a beach, I finally became content with this version of myself, the mostly mom, sort of business woman, a little bit community organizer, a bit unkempt and mostly pretty happy. I had been wrestling with this for a while, really, since Maya was a baby. I expected to do some consulting starting when she was around 6 months old, but she just didn't sleep. Which meant I didn't sleep. And I couldn't fathom writing about the intersection of climate change, land use and transportation on 2.5 hours of sleep every night. So I kept turning down jobs. And on the side, I sold a little vintage and jewelry.
Flash forward to Sasha being born and me having even less time for creating, or for a side hustle. I thought I would pursue selling vintage on Etsy and having pop ups. But there didn't seem to be any venues in Tacoma for vintage pop ups (which has actually changed in the last three years!) So I decided to see if I could make my jewelry making into something more than a hobby. Every goal I set for myself, I surpassed in half the time. The handmade market here in Tacoma is really wonderful. I have the most amazing customers who come back time after time. I have a fun time at events. I've expanded into wholesale and have my pieces in 10+ stores across the country. And I do it on my schedule, which is amazing.
So, what's the problem? Why was I feeling bad about it? I think it was not fitting cleanly into either the "working mom" group or "stay at home mom" group. As though I always had to be justifying myself to every mom, that I did in fact spend enough time with my kids but I did also make money. Except, I don't think any of them were actually judging me or needed that justification, I think it was mostly in my head. I felt like I wasn't using my degrees. I accused myself of not doing enough to make a difference in the world and in my community. It just always felt off balance.
So I wrote a list of my accomplishments up until that point in my life. My journal articles (probably my proudest achievements), my children, my lobbying efforts in DC, volunteering, traveling I'd done. And I made a list of what I want to do: open a coffee shop in a few years, travel a lot more, raise amazing, compassionate children, write a book. Then I wrote down what I'm doing now: building a small business, taking care of my children (teaching them, traveling with them, loving them), organizing events to build and strengthen the handmade and entrepreneur community in Tacoma, helping other businesses grow and be successful, helping local moms connect. Somehow, writing these down and seeing what I've done, and how that is very satisfying to me, what I'm doing now, which is also satisfying, and what I want to do, which is not harmed and maybe even well served by what I'm doing now... it just clicked for me that I'm doing just fine. That I don't have to "fit". My brain has always been a little scattered. I like to call it interdisciplinary. I've always approached problems a little differently, so why should my path be perfectly linear? [Side note: I went to college to become a teacher and decided after a few months that I didn't want to teach. But I always expected to just get married, have babies, and stay at home, so I didn't do a lot of career planning. Hence my academic articles being some my greatest achievements - because I never planned for it, I literally never conceived of what kind of career I'd have beyond a teacher or mom. I did want to pursue photojournalism at one point, but was dissuaded by my dad, who thought it wasn't the best way to "serve people." Though now, looking back, while I did place too much stock in his opinion, I also probably wasn't that passionate about it, or I would have done it anyway, right?]
So, when people ask me what I do, I give them the truth, I stay at home with my kids, run a business part time, organize handmade and business events and volunteer. They asked, right? I feel like they can listen for 30 seconds to the answer, instead of me shrugging my shoulders and saying "mostly I stay at home with my kids."
My friend Jess the other day said she struggles when people ask what she does and she doesn't have a "clean" answer. I told her to tell them, "whatever the fuck I want." Because that's where I'm headed, and it feels glorious.
Flash forward to Sasha being born and me having even less time for creating, or for a side hustle. I thought I would pursue selling vintage on Etsy and having pop ups. But there didn't seem to be any venues in Tacoma for vintage pop ups (which has actually changed in the last three years!) So I decided to see if I could make my jewelry making into something more than a hobby. Every goal I set for myself, I surpassed in half the time. The handmade market here in Tacoma is really wonderful. I have the most amazing customers who come back time after time. I have a fun time at events. I've expanded into wholesale and have my pieces in 10+ stores across the country. And I do it on my schedule, which is amazing.
So, what's the problem? Why was I feeling bad about it? I think it was not fitting cleanly into either the "working mom" group or "stay at home mom" group. As though I always had to be justifying myself to every mom, that I did in fact spend enough time with my kids but I did also make money. Except, I don't think any of them were actually judging me or needed that justification, I think it was mostly in my head. I felt like I wasn't using my degrees. I accused myself of not doing enough to make a difference in the world and in my community. It just always felt off balance.
So I wrote a list of my accomplishments up until that point in my life. My journal articles (probably my proudest achievements), my children, my lobbying efforts in DC, volunteering, traveling I'd done. And I made a list of what I want to do: open a coffee shop in a few years, travel a lot more, raise amazing, compassionate children, write a book. Then I wrote down what I'm doing now: building a small business, taking care of my children (teaching them, traveling with them, loving them), organizing events to build and strengthen the handmade and entrepreneur community in Tacoma, helping other businesses grow and be successful, helping local moms connect. Somehow, writing these down and seeing what I've done, and how that is very satisfying to me, what I'm doing now, which is also satisfying, and what I want to do, which is not harmed and maybe even well served by what I'm doing now... it just clicked for me that I'm doing just fine. That I don't have to "fit". My brain has always been a little scattered. I like to call it interdisciplinary. I've always approached problems a little differently, so why should my path be perfectly linear? [Side note: I went to college to become a teacher and decided after a few months that I didn't want to teach. But I always expected to just get married, have babies, and stay at home, so I didn't do a lot of career planning. Hence my academic articles being some my greatest achievements - because I never planned for it, I literally never conceived of what kind of career I'd have beyond a teacher or mom. I did want to pursue photojournalism at one point, but was dissuaded by my dad, who thought it wasn't the best way to "serve people." Though now, looking back, while I did place too much stock in his opinion, I also probably wasn't that passionate about it, or I would have done it anyway, right?]
So, when people ask me what I do, I give them the truth, I stay at home with my kids, run a business part time, organize handmade and business events and volunteer. They asked, right? I feel like they can listen for 30 seconds to the answer, instead of me shrugging my shoulders and saying "mostly I stay at home with my kids."
My friend Jess the other day said she struggles when people ask what she does and she doesn't have a "clean" answer. I told her to tell them, "whatever the fuck I want." Because that's where I'm headed, and it feels glorious.
This is fantastic. Thanks for speaking to the struggle with weird, hard-to-place shame and confidence-shaking that happens when your life doesn't quite fit into some clear category. It reminds me of this study I talk about in some of my psych courses "Personality and Patterns of Adherence and Nonadherence
ReplyDeleteto the Social Clock". It's a bit outdated (I cringe at the terms "feminine social clock" and "masculine occupational clock"), but does address the difficulties of our situation. I have a number of strong, courageous, ambitious, thoughtful Mom friends out there, juggling their lives and trying to have it all (but feeling guilty). I love your take on it and will share this entry with them!
Thank you, Erica! I don't know if you've read it, but Renaissance Soul is a good book for people with varied interests. It definitely defined some lingering questions I had. I'll have to check out the study you mentioned!
Deletethank you for this! It took me years to recognize that I had a pattern of relationships that were not right for me just because I had made out with a guy and felt like I "had" to then try a relationship with him to justify it, when even in my gut I knew we weren't right together. It was almost as if I was trying to justify what happened physically between us by trying to create some emotional intimacy that wasn't really there.
ReplyDeletethank you for your response! I totally understand. I wish I had a healthier sense of self back then, and a sense that sexuality and sensuality were perfectly normal and could be on MY terms.
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