Am I actually enough?

Preamble: I've been thinking about and writing this post for two months.  I keep coming back to it, adding to it, rewording it, but it's time to put it out into the universe.  Is it done?  Not really.  But I hope that it resonates with you.

The Ethical Paradox of Self Worth in an Troubled World

There's a cultural movement growing in the US, that whatever we are, we are "enough."  That especially as women or as moms, even if we aren’t great at something, or if we fail, that we are still "enough.”  I adore this movement.   I believe that women should be confident in themselves, as women, as moms, as business owners, in however they see themselves.  I believe that our culture shoe-horns women into tropes, stereotypes, and caricatures and balks at women who step outside those norms.  To that end, I believe that each of us is, in fact, enough, that we are inherently capable of meeting our own needs and the needs of those we care for.

However, lately I can’t stop looking at the world we live in – the US in particular – and see so much hate, prejudice and institutional oppression.   I hear a racist joke; I see someone pocketing money they saw someone drop on the ground; I hear a mom telling their two year old son that he's a "wussy" and "weak."  It makes me think: Are we doing ourselves a disservice by saying that in these actions and in this social reality, that we are "enough?"  Are we failing our society – and our children - by not stepping up?   Can it be true that we are enough AND that our culture is super messed up?

Furthermore, does calling ourselves "enough" stifle the desire to improve and grow?  I don't know the answer to that.  I know so many wonderful, amazing people that I am thankful to have in my life.  I do believe they are enough.  That they are themselves and that is wonderful.  But our culture is not enough, or society is not enough.  I am increasingly of the belief that our society is not brave or adventurous or creative or deep thinking or protective.  It is mean, it is harmful, it is racist and sexist. 

Whenever these questions linger, I start to consider ways in which I might not be enough.  Here are some examples from my own life that I struggle with - where me being "enough" or doing what might be “normal,” seems at odds with doing the right or ethical thing.

About being vegan…

Is it unethical to eat meat?  Probably, for a variety of reasons.  We probably don't need animal products to be healthy, they put so much strain on the environment, and the living conditions of our meat is problematic.  But almonds and avocados are so water-intensive, is it really more ecofriendly to eat less meat when we replace it with water intense foods?  What if eating less meat and spending more time cooking means I have less time and energy for being a leader in my community or example for my children?  This is a frequent, cyclical discussion that happens in my head quite often.  I've settled on working towards vegetarianism, focusing on plant based meals, consuming a decreasing amount of meat and dairy, but trying not to over-focus on it. 

About being overweight…

Is it unethical to be overweight, to overeat?  Pure ethics would say that to use more than you need, when others do not have enough, is unethical.  This is a hard one, though, isn't it?  I certainly don't look at someone who is overweight and see them as unethical.  I don't consider myself unethical because I'm overweight.  But is this something I should be diving into?  Is exploring this a worthwhile use of my desire to be a good person, or is there a better use of my time?   (This last question is such a big one for me!  Is jumping into a new idea, in order to be ethical, the best/highest use of my time?)

About racism…

This is the topic that really got me thinking about the movement of each of us being "enough" while society overall is clearly not.  I feel more strongly every day that each of us is not doing enough in our daily lives to disrupt, combat, call attention to, and learn about the pervasive patterns of racial injustice in this country.  Frankly, I'm just a beginner in noticing, learning about and thinking about the actual structures of our society and how they suppress and oppress people of color.  I'm just starting to learn what role I have in this system of oppression.  I'm learning a lot about systemic oppression.  I'm learning about my prejudice against people of color, as I walk by them by the street, or interact with them.  I've realized that the social and business events I organize predominantly have white attendees.  That's not my intention, but, for the most part, it also wasn't in my worldview at the time to try harder and reach out to people of color.  I’m working on this.  If you want to start as well, I would humbly suggest watching the documentary 13th, for an incredibly eye opening dive into the mass incarceration of black men that was intended to remove leaders from the black community and has persisted to allow the prison industrial complex to profit.  For me, it put such a strong point on the structure of our society and our laws and how they fail people of color.  Other ideas: Follow Black Lives Matter on social media.  Call out racism when you see it.  Support businesses run by people of color.  (These are just a few suggestions!  There are great lists online of what you can do to be an ally for POC.  Find one that speaks to you and work through the list!)

About social justice…

Am I donating enough to charity?  On a more basic level, is it inherently unethical to buy my family clothes (albeit usually thrifted), organic food (sometimes) and summer camps, when that money could be used more efficiently elsewhere?  This one is hard for me, because it does seem unethical to buy these things when other people don't have them.  But we’re pretty thrifty, does that make it less unethical?  My kids and husband are already on board for donating our used goods to charity, and we do donate a small portion of our household income to non-profits.  (I also donate 10% of my happy fox studio profits to charity as well).  Our kids have Moon Banks to learn about giving money to others.  But… I could absolutely be donating more.  I could absolutely volunteer more.  So how can I get there?   I recently (finally) donated to our local public radio station.  It wasn’t a large donation, but since the election I have been listening to the news a lot more, and I’m very thankful that public radio exists, so I wanted to support them.  I’m trying to figure out how to be less overwhelmed with work and life so that I can carve out more time to volunteer.  I run most of the events I organize as fundraisers for local charities.  This is where I feel like I can help… but I can definitely do better.  

About that middle class lifestyle…

I hate to bring this up because if I haven't alienated you yet, you’ll probably be pissed about this one.  Consumption of new, non-organic, non-fair trade clothing is, in my non-expert opinion, probably the place where the average person is most unethical.  The upside?  It’s actually REALLY easy to work on this one.  First, watch the movie The True Cost so that you truly understand the human and environmental cost of a $4 or $40 tshirt.  It created an immediate change in me.  Second, buy less and use what you have.  (Side note: going through a culling and donation process like Konmari will help you understand what you truly use and love and make buying less significantly easier.)  Third, trade, barter or get things for free (really!) on your local Freecycle page, Buy Nothing group or Craigslist swap section.  Schedule clothing swaps with your friends or colleagues.  Fourth, buy secondhand.  If you don’t like thrift stores, try consignment stores, Schoola or ThredUp.  Fifth, If you can’t find what you need, support businesses that make organic, fair trade products.  (I personally cannot buy myself used underwear, for example, so I am happy that Pact makes fair trade, organic cotton underwear.  Is it expensive?  Yes!  But it’s comfy and I’m spending way less on fall-apart Old Navy clothes, so I’m still spending less.)  Sixth, if you can’t buy organic, buy local and handmade – the maker is more likely to be working in safe conditions and making a fair wage.  On the flip side of all of this, I do wonder whether reducing our purchasing of non-USA products could contribute to a loss of jobs overseas.  And I think this is where fair trade comes back into play.  Basically, think before you shop, and if there is any alternative to the mall, use it.  

Concluding Thoughts

Is it enough to be a pretty good version of yourself in your own life and social circle?  I would gently suggest that it's not.  It's not enough to be a "good enough" mom.  It's not enough to be on the PTA.  It's not enough to be mildly aware that perhaps our country is in a really weird, broken place.  We have to strive, try, create, and grow.  We have to improve ourselves, through reading, and discourse and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.  We have to donate - our time, our money, our things.  I am guessing that in the back of your mind, that there is at least one issue that you wish you could be more involved in, or know more about.  What is it?  Run with that.  For me, it's always been environmental issues, but it’s increasingly sharing my mental space with social justice and equity.  What am I doing in my daily life to unintentionally perpetuate harmful social systems that suppress people of color, the poor or the disabled?  How can I disrupt these patterns?  I wish I had a simple answer.  I don't. 

What I do have is knowledge, and the ability to learn and grow.  So, I am asking and reading; and following feeds like Black Lives Matter and Bitch Media that sometimes make me uncomfortable.  But where does that discomfort come from?  I'm learning it comes from a place of privilege, of this not having to be a discussion or thought I have every day.  I have the privilege of not being concerned with race, or food security, or physical security, every day.  That is a privilege.  And with privilege comes - or should come - responsibility.  A responsibility to speak up when you hear a racist joke (I'm working on it).   A responsibility to support businesses owned by women and people of color (I love working on this one!  Shopping!  Research!  Two of my favorite things!)  I have the responsibility to model for my children a deep compassion.  Not being "nice", but a deep kindness, of helping, of admitting when I am wrong, of explaining injustice, how it works, how we can change it.   (Not to "fix" injustice, because I personally can't do that, but how we can reduce our contribution to it.)  

I cried tears of both sadness and pride when my five year old asked why a man was begging for food, and when I explained that he didn't have a home, she asked why someone doesn't give him one when we see houses for sale all the time?  This blew my mind in its simplicity and compassion.  I didn’t know of any good, effective housing nonprofits in my town, so I did a lot of research and found that "housing first" homelessness solutions are actually incredibly effective and cost less than traditional programs.  (Do you watch Adam Ruins Everything?  [You should be, it's a beacon of honest hope in this world.]  There is a wonderful episode about housing that taught me a lot about homelessness)  We haven't found a homeless nonprofit in Tacoma that uses a truly housing first method, but we've been directing more of our donations to local homeless charities, as well as donating our used clothes to homeless and disadvantaged clothing closets instead of Goodwill.

I feel like I've just thrown around a lot of ideas here without a lot of solutions, and maybe that's all that I've done.  But I hope that I've encouraged you to find those little ideas that nag at you, or challenge you, or scare you, or make you feel like you could do more, and feed and nurture them, and become more than enough.  Become good.  Or at least a better you, one that disrupts negative social patterns and works for a better society.   Use the momentum of deciding that "I am enough" to nudge you into a new realm of 'self' that grows and expands.  Are you with me?